Cancer affects more than health—it touches love, communication, and intimacy. Learn practical ways to reconnect as a couple, from Counsellor and Sex therapist Faith Hogan.
When cancer enters a relationship, it doesn’t just change the body—it reshapes how we connect, love, and communicate, and these may cause a strain on our romantic relationships. Testament to how Oncologists in Parkway Cancer Center have noticed many of their patients voicing this out, they introduced the topic during one of their regular Survivors Connect events. Together with Dr Quek Swee Hong, who spoke of the consequences of Cancer Therapy, and Dr Esther Lim, who focused on pelvic wellness in the face of cancer treatments, I had the privilege of joining in this event to talk about Navigating Love and Relationships during and after Cancer.
Here’s a summary of what I shared – designed to help individuals and couples feel seen, supported, and empowered.
The Hidden Strain on Relationships from Cancer
Cancer is not uncommon. An estimated 46 people in Singapore are diagnosed daily, translating to a chance of 1 in 4 people developing cancer in their lifetime. It would also mean that many of us have known or will know one person developing this.
Cancer often brings emotional distress: fatigue, body image concerns, anxiety, and shifts in identity for both the self, and the relationship. Stories and quips that demonstrate the impact of these abundant.
“I didn’t want to disappoint my partner, but I couldn’t see myself as sexual anymore. It was too painful to fail. I can’t please her.”
“All these different stressors, financially worries, all these different factors give me additional stress on the relationship. Thinking about sex is the least of my concerns.”
“I had an early menopause because of the cancer, removed my ovaries, and had a mastectomy. I said, like, really quick—at 45, I was saying, “well I’m one operation away from being a man”
Many couples also commonly experience:
- Decreased sexual desire or pleasure
- Role reversals in caregiving
- Fear of being a burden
- Avoidance of difficult conversations
- Shame or grief around physical changes
These stories are more common than you’d think. However, instead of being expressed, they may be more commonly sheltered and hidden in silence. But these thoughts and emotions matter deeply. When we censor our important feelings and thoughts, gradually relationships become emotionally distant, and even numb.
Communication: The First Step Toward Healing
During cancer, conversations often revolve around treatment, appointments, or logistics. But emotional connection needs space too. Here is a systematic list of actions that you can individually practice, and gradually add on, to encourage communication that connects instead of shutting each other out. Remember to ask your partner for feedback and take turns practicing these skills!
Before a conversation:
- Choose a calm time
- Set an intention (e.g., “I want to feel closer”)
- Get clear on what you’re feeling
During the conversation:
- Use a gentle start up. (Be gentle and kind when you start. Starting with an aggressive, or hostile tone will sabotage your efforts to get your point across.)
- Practice active listening. (Nod, indicate your interest, don’t interrupt with your own thoughts first. Simply allow the other to speak, and feel heard. For bonus points, rephrase what you think your partner means and allow them to tell you if they feel seen, heard, and understood.)
- Share feelings openly with “I” statements. (“I’ve been thinking about us…”) instead of “You always…You never”
- Express fondness or appreciation (“Thank you for listening. for being patient. For being so responsible.”)
- Turn toward your partner’s bids for connection.
After the conversation:
- Summarize what was heard
- Thank each other for the honesty
Follow up – don’t let it end at one talk. Agree who should follow up, and when this should happen.
Reimagining Intimacy from Cancer
Intimacy doesn’t have to mean intercourse. In fact, many couples thrive by broadening the definition of intimacy:
- Focus on affection (touch, cuddling, small gestures). Who says physical intimacy is only about vaginal penetration?
- Focus on pleasure. Use your senses to stay in the moment, and reduce thoughts that may distract or reduce your ability to enjoy the moment.
- Reevaluate the idea that physical intimacy must always include sexual penetration, and orgasm.
- Get creative—try massage, sensual baths, or even laughter
- Communicate preferences without pressure
- Use sensual aids like lubricants, pillows, or mood-setting tools
- Plan around energy levels—some times of the day, or week may be easier than others.
- Definitely bring this up to your oncologist/physician. Many clients and medical staff don’t bring any of this up. Don’t reply on your team to initiate. Ask- Why are things painful? What can be done? There is a good chance that the way you feel is a known effect of cancer treatment. If your medical professional gives you something to try and it doesn’t work? Continue to follow up. Sometimes we need to trial and error what solutions suit us best.
Tip: Many couples benefit from using the Sexual Tipping Point® model, which reminds us that sexual desire is a continuous balance of emotional, biological, and relational factors. So if you’re feeling blocked, you’re not broken—you’re simply.. human. So many of my clients come to me with shame, that they feel broken, and abnormal, or an incomplete man/woman. If there’s I would hope for you to know, it’s that your body is responding this way for a valid reason- not because you are less than.
Love and health are intertwined. Intimacy with and after cancer may look different—but it can still be deep, nourishing, and real.
Rekindle Your Relationship
Experiencing cancer can strain even the strongest relationships. If you’re looking to reconnect with your partner and navigate the unique challenges that arise during or after cancer treatment, Mindwise Counselling & Training can help. Our experienced therapists provide a supportive space for you and your partner to rediscover intimacy, improve communication, and strengthen your bond.
Take the Next Step
Ready to rebuild and nurture your relationship?
- Book a free 15-minute introductory call to discuss your needs and learn how our tailored therapy can support you.
- Prefer to write to us? Drop us an email with your questions.
Let us help you and your partner experience a closer bond, even in the shadow of cancer.
